I know I have never met you, but I know you exist. Dear Big Brother... I'm so tired. I'm so tired of him Big Brother. "You worthless piece of shit."
Dear Big Brother, I wish you were here by my side. Maybe if you were I wouldn't cry so much. "If you cry, I'll give you something to cry about"
Dear Big Brother, I wish you could protect me from them, I don't know what the truth is anymore "You dumbfuck" I know he is right though.
Dear Big Brother, I'm sorry to be bothering you so much. You're just never around. I wish you could see what he did to both me and her. His ugly laughter, Big Brother I can't take it.
Dear Big Brother, she is still crying. I don't know why. He is gone, I miss him but I'm so glad I've never felt so at peace before.
Dear Big Brother, he came back today. She smiled but I know she didn't mean it. I'm scared Big Brother but I'm glad he's here. We can be a family again.
Dear Big Brother, something is wrong. He went crazy again and hit her. Why is he doing this Big Brother? Why is he hurting her so much?
Dear Big Brother, I don't like being with him anymore. He scares me Big Brother, I wish you were here. So you can keep me and her safe, Big Brother why can't you be here.
Dear Big Brother, she got new bruises on her eyes. She lies to everyone about them, even me. I know what goes on Big Brother; she sometimes forgets I was there. Big Brother her bruises scare me.
Dear Big Brother, she cried all day today, I can see it. She couldn't really move her body and it was so painful to look at. I don't know why she pretends to smile when I know she wants to cry so badly. I never cried when he did this to her Big Brother, I don't know why. Is there something wrong with me?
Dear Big Brother, I'm getting older now. I'm turning 5 today. I don't want a birthday party anymore. Whenever we do have one bad things happen. Actually, the always happen. Maybe now that I'm older I can protect her, don't you think Big Brother?
Dear Big Brother, I was taken out early from school today, I'm 7 now. The police are here along with her. They keep asking her questions, one after another. I saw bruises on her face Big Brother, red hand prints on her face and around her neck. I was a little confused Big Brother, but somehow I knew it had to do with him.
Dear Big Brother, he left us again. I wonder where he left, I will sure miss him. She is a lot happier now, but sometimes when I stay up hours past my bedtime and sit outside her door, I can hear her crying. Why does she cry Big Brother?
Dear Big Brother, I'm almost 8 now. For a long while we haven't heard from him. There are sometimes phone calls with a machine talking, she says not to answer them, but I know it's him. Like a good girl, I do what I'm told. She's never home now.
Dear Big Brother, it's been so long since we were all together. She works a lot now, and I still go to school. When I go to my friend's birthday parties sometimes I get jealous. They have both, and I don't. She is still working; I sometimes stay up to meet her when she comes home. Other times I can't, I'm just so tired. I feel so lonely, why can't you be here Big Brother?
Dear Big Brother, two years have passed now. I'm about to turn 10. He came back today; I greeted him and welcomed him home. She did too. This is the 2nd summer we have actually been together. I feel kind of happy, but I'm scared too. I'm almost going to enter Middle School, next year. I can't wait.
Dear Big Brother, I'm 11 now. It has been peaceful for a while. She and he have argued a lot, but mostly when I'm not around. It looks like she doesn't have bruises on her face anymore, but sometimes when I peek at her when she changes; I see them on her tummy and legs. The bruises look so big, so dark. Her bruises still scare me.
Dear Big Brother, after not going to the park for so long, today we decided to go. I didn't want to, I was afraid. I felt like something really bad was going to happen. I still went anyway. He got really intoxicated, I was a little frightened. Later on that same day, night time, he got really scary. She told me to stay in the car. I didn't know what was going on. She got in, she was out of breath, she stepped on the gas pedal so hard I almost flew out of me seat. He was following us, in his silver car. She got her phone and asked me to call the police. "Down by the fairgrounds, a red car and a silver car, please hurry" He came out behind us, and hit the rear of her red car, Thump, one hit, she screamed and I sat there. Thump, second hit I hit my head on the front of the car, I got a little dizzy. Thump, third hit and we both screamed. He got out and tapped on her window, yelling for her to roll it down. She refused, he got back in and she got out of the car, yelling for help to all of the people who would drive by. She got back in and tried to step on it again. He was close behind, and hit us again. Thump, fourth his, we spun around till the car hit the curb, the helicopter with the bright light came around, he got into his car again and drove off. We sat there and lights flashed into my eyes. I was blinded but could see figures. We got out and saw him being taken into handcuffs and inside the police car. She started to worry.
Dear Big Brother, it's been a month since that happened. I entered Middle School now. I don't know why but I felt so distant. All of the other kids so happy. I want to be just like them. It was fun though; I would sometimes get taken out of school because she had to go to something called "Court".
Dear Big Brother, it's been two years now, she is still going to court. I know what it is now, I learned it in school. I overheard her on the phone saying that if he kept pleading not guilty, they would make his sentence longer. How much longer though? It's been two years now. What’s going on? I miss a lot of school, because she can't go to the courts and leave me here. She made me write a letter to the judge, so he can come out. The letters we got from him would pile out, each one saying the same thing. "I'm sorry".
Dear Big Brother, I'm almost 14 now, and he came out, he's with us now. A little thin, and he changed a lot. I’m so glad Big Brother; I hope life gets better for all of us. When he was away I had to take care of her. I had to be the strong one, for both of us.
Dear Big Brother, a few good months have passed. He went back to his old ways. But he doesn't hit just her now, me too. Why does he hurt us Big Brother? "You stupid dumbfucks, worthless pieces of shit!" Big Brother what’s happening? I thought he changed.
Dear Big Brother, I woke up late tonight, and I smelled something weird. It was a horrible smell, it made me so sick. I asked my new friends in High School what it was. They say it was something called "Meth". "Your ____ does meth?"
Dear Big Brother, I don't like going home anymore. We all constantly fight. defend her as well as I can but when he hits me it hurts so badly. Last time I had to go to the hospital, and made up an excuse about falling. Big Brother what's going on? Why does he hurt us?
Dear Big Brother, its summer time and I'm almost 15. Her family is here, and he puts up such a front. I know he does his drugs when they're not home. I know he watches his filth when they're not home. He hits me when they're not looking. Why Big Brother, what’s going on?
Dear Big Brother, I try my best not to cry when he forces me to do something. I try not to cry when he hits me, I try so hard. I'm so tired Big Brother. He mentions something about him not being my real blood, and she too. I don't know if it's true. Is it Big Brother?
Dear Big Brother, he said it again, while I gasped for breath and held my ribcage, he said it again. She was there and she didn't deny it. So it is true... Big Brother I'm so scared. What do I do now? I'm 16 now. He will change, and he is lying. We will be a family again right Big Brother? I forgive him Big Brother I forgive him.
Dear Big Brother, he hit me again. “If you don't like it then get the hell out of my house!" Big Brother, I want to run away. I want to run away so far away. "Everything in this room, this house is mine! Nothing is yours!" He is right Big Brother; I need to leave this place and quick. Big Brother, I think I will go insane if I don't. "You worthless piece of shit! You can't do crap!" Big Brother, its hard not having any kind of talent. I know I'm not smart either. He is right, he is so right.
Dear Big Brother, he explained it all to me. My past, his past, her past. Not much he knew about my own. He didn't know here I came from. Only she knows, he said. I want to ask her but I'm afraid. "Don't let her know you know, she will hate me" I think she already does..." Don't let her know you know, she might kill herself, she is not well" Neither are any of us...
Dear Big Brother, who do I trust when I've been hurt and lied to? The man who hurts and abuses both me and her. Or the woman who lied to me my entire life. And supposedly, hurt him and his relationship with his family too. Big Brother, I'm so tired. I'm so scared, I'm so lost. "You worthless bitch!"
Dear Big Brother, I wish you were here. Maybe then I wouldn't cry so much. When no one is looking. I try my best not to, he said only weak people do. I wish you were here Big Brother.
In class today,English, we read two famous works of Mr. Langston Hughes. Reading these pieces made me think about a lot about what went on in these time periods. For example, The Great Depression.I myself adore History, I guess I could say I excell in it. Mr Langston Hughes wrote in one of his poems "Harlem" about this time period, connecting it to Blues.How people of coloured skin could not attain any type of job because of the pigment of their skin. This made me think deeply about how the mind of the average person worked. In the eyes of many in this time period, the black man as seen as the bottom class citizen. Ever ask why? How this started? Why did the white skin colour become so dominant and what made it so? Sure, some of the many white men were very educated, but what about the few African American men whom were as well? Where did the sense of White Supremacy come from?
Switching to another topic, I would like to cast a spotlight on the modern times, stereotypes, and the social status of people in my own time period. Hoping none of this sounds completely incoherent... does it? Of course this is just for my own pleasure and I do have a lot of questions. Not to mention a bunch of queer observations. Today is the Twentieth of April, 2009. To many this date is know as the day to get, as they say, "faded" Why is it that many holidays, or underground ones like these, are so well known? Many don't even recall when the important dates of History happened, but they sure as hell remember this ridiculous holiday. Why is that? In mine own eyes, I see this generation of children is rapidly being corrupted, and yet no one wants to stop it. Sure, some children do need to know the basics in life, but why must they learn them so crudely?
I walked down the aisles of a local grocery store and I spotted a mother with her two year old son. He begged and pleaded fir a sweet treat, but the mother denied his request.And to my surprise, so much profanity! Escaped his wretched little mouth 8DAll the mother could do was stand there, embarrassed and ashamed. In my own household, even if my guardians are my adopted parents, if I were to even mouth off to someone who is my elder I would be severely punished.Today, many say that to beat a child is wrong, it is, but when it comes to discipline, it must be done,then again, some are too strict and that's not what the parents should be doing at all.The jest of the situation is to teach them respect, not to make them fear the parent.Am I coming in clear or is this too bleak? I secretly wondered for years, what it would be like to be with another female.Throughout my youth in elementary school I always wondered.I saw so many of my classmates poke fun at those whom really were homosexual.And it made me even more afraid.Of course, I followed along; being a victim to the crowd I thought I should follow.Not only did I like the females, but the males too.Brought up even more confusion. When I entered High school, I met my teacher.I thought he himself might have been a homosexual, and at first he didn't seem it.But later one I turned out to be correct That fact that he felt alone made me want to come to his aid, and I did.I made him feel comfortable about making this choice.As much as I possibly could.I tried to make him feel great about himself.But at the same time...I forgot about myself.Observing Michael, and his constant struggle with coming out of the closet, made me observe myself a whole lot more, later on.Then into Sophomore year he began to demand a new club for the school ,G.S.A!Of course being a supporter, I joined. I had met Rocio, David,Jose, and Solana. They taught me so many things about their sexuality I hungered for more!Then once the summer ended, I started here, at West High.My friends were gone; I had no one to guide me. Only myself. I went through so many changes;I knew not what to do with myself T.TI thought I would eventually go insane and slice my wrists open, or something like that. I was confused."Do I like guys?" "Do I like girls?"I didn't know what to think anymore.It was as if I didn't know who I was.
She stood in the hallway, kissing her boyfriend one last time before she entered her classroom.It went on like this for almost the entire school year.Then another year passes by.Finally, Junior year of High school!There was some distance between them this morning in the hall. She couldn't look him in the eye.Two weeks later into the school year, she is in the same hallway, alone, weeping. A few days later she is found on her bathroom floor, with an empty bottle of pills.While with his new girlfriend, her turns on the news,He wraps his arms around her tightly and looks onto the pix elated screen. "Teen found dead in her bathroom..." The human heart is indeed very fragile, so fragile that even a small, thin feather could leave an everlasting wound. How easily the heart of a teenager gets infatuated. Then later on the infatuation could end up in them taking their own life. Why? So many others, whom suffer mostly every single day, they cannot see, or they cannot hear. Either one of their senses could be taken away or possibly their limbs! Someone with terrible illnesses or someone on the boarder line of passing away. Why hurt such a perfectly good, functioning body?I have had suicidal thoughts before, but I use my logic to return from such an awful state. It does take a lot of effort, but at least I made it. It angers me sometimes, when people speak of ending their life because of things not going the way they wish for it to be, them not having the person they assuming "love", love them back, or other things.
She was only five years old, when she was in the accident. The doctors said she would never walk again. For the next part of her life, she would be in a wheelchair. Of course there were ways to make her walk again, but her family had no money. How she would always smile and giggle, no matter how much we all knew she didn't mean it. I took a look at my own legs, then my hands, my arms, my eyes, and my ears. I broke down in tears just remembering her. She was a happy child, despite her not being able to walk. She may have been eleven years younger than I, but I looked up to her. How strong she must be. I sometimes envy it. "If she doesn't love me anymore, I don't know what I would do" If I couldn't sketch anymore, listen to the sounds of the rain falling, or see the face of the person I loved the most, I don't know what I would do. So grateful to have a functioning body, even if I have so many things wrong with it. I can still see, I can still hear, I can still feel. My legs can take me anywhere I wish to go. I can move my pencil and I can hug my King. Do you understand? Or should I speak a little louder?
"I'll love you forever" he says to her. She leaps with happiness and her heart begins to soar. Two years now, she will be questioning what went wrong. "Maybe I'm not pretty enough" "Am I not smart enough" "Why won't he love me..." She sees him with another girl, and starts to wonder if he is saying the same things he once said to her. The smiles they had, they made her sick. She can't help but feel happy for him though. She blames herself and starts to apologize for his actions. "Maybe I..." She never learned to trust again.
His name is Daniel and he sits in seat five, row three. The last class of the day, she feels a tap at her shoulder. She turns and sees them all snickering. They begin to mock her in a different language; little did they know that she was fluent in it. "How ridiculous she looks" "She probably does black magic""She is the child of Satan" "She looks so horrid!" She opens the door and just lies on her bed. She begins to weep. Why are people so cruel? Is it their purpose in life or are they just naturally born assholes?
He goes to the same lunch spot, day after day. He jokes, he fools, he bonds. When he leaves, it's a different story. "He smells" "Why does he think we actually like him?" "God, he follows me everywhere!" The next day he comes back and it's all the same. "Let's leave, hopefully he won't follow us." He follows anyway. So sad, when the friends you thought were genuine would leave you, just like that. Is this clear enough?
She is always yelling.Day after day she yells. So many people gather around her, they laugh, they joke, and they play around. How obnoxious she really is. Secretly they all speak ill of her, but she continues her ways.Then, little by little they all start to leave her. Dumbfounded, she wonders what happened to her once large amount of friends. "Just got tired of her" She sits by herself, underneath the big tree in the far off corner. She eats her lunch in solitude while her once friends are together, doing as they all once did, but without her. Being untruthful hurts, doesn't it. All her life she saw her beaten. All her life she saw him wasted or faded. Sometimes both. "Soon we will leave him and go somewhere far, far away" First time: "Mum, where is papa?" Second time: "Don't worry he went on a little vacation, he'll return soon." Third time:"Don't hate him; he knows not what he does" She would read the letters he sent her when her mother wasn't home. In every letter from every time, it would say"I'm sorry, I'll never do it again" First time: "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" Second time: "Please forgive me it wont happen again.Third time:"This is the last time, I promise!" He came back,so many years from being away. "Papa!" how happy she was. Days later he would be drunk again, but not only would he beat her mother; he would beat her as well. "An angel stuck in a den of devils..."
"I really think he is the one!" She would say, morning after morning just as the second semester of the school year began. "You'll see, one of these days I will call all of you and inform you of our wedding!" She would do on for weeks about this man. "I've known him five years, why shouldn't I like him?" "He is older...but I can't help it!I actually think he is the one..." Her friends would disapprove, but despite that she would continue to ramble on about him. Over and over again."I really think he is the one" About three months later, my ear perks up to listen to her wailing. "I just can't leave him..." Her friends would mention, "Everything does revolve around his age you know, since he's older..." She would listen and doubt. "But I do start to notice these things about him...I don't know i just can't leave him" It amuses me, but slightly depresses me at the same time. I giggle at the fact I turned out to be correct,but I am also upset because I am. "I actually think he's the one..."
She was raised thinking her mother was the only good one in the family. "She lied to you and me; I don't know where you came from." How can she believe someone who has hurt both her and her mother?The times he would beat her she just watched... "I am not your father! And she is neither your mother!" She didn't deny it...never did. "I don't know where you came from, only she does. She won't tell me" Who am I to trust now...? Almost a year now has passed since him and I separated. "I love you... please let me love you" Remembering how he held me in his arms every day. His smile that was so goofy it would just make me burst out in laughter. The way his eyes twinkled when he first told me he loved me. "True love never dies, no matter us being three-thousand miles apart from each other" How I held dearly those two years and eight months we were together. Almost a year has passed since him and I separated, but how deeply I hold onto his memory. A thorn that can never be lifted, but painful to stir. April Twenty-one, 2009. I sat in my classroom, typing down my thoughts, much more I have waiting, if only I had the energy left in my fingers to go through with it. How silly I am with my Random thoughts about nothing, don't you think?
I know I have never met you, but I know you exist. Dear Oniichan... I'm so tired. I'm so tired of him Oniichan. "You worthless piece of shit."
Dear Oniichan, I wish you were here by my side. Maybe if you were I wouldn't cry so much. "If you cry, I'll give you something to cry about"
Dear Oniichan, I wish you could protect me from them, I don't know what the truth is anymore "You dumbfuck" I know he is right though.
Dear Oniichan, I'm sorry to be bothering you so much. You're just never around. I wish you could see what he did to both me and her. His ugly laughter, Oniichan I can't take it.
Dear Oniichan, she is still crying. I don't know why. He is gone, I miss him but I'm so glad I've never felt so at peace before.
Dear Oniichan, he came back today. She smiled but I know she didn't mean it. I'm scared Oniichan but I'm glad he's here. We can be a family again.
Dear Oniichan, something is wrong. He went crazy again and hit her. Why is he doing this Oniichan? Why is he hurting her so much?
Dear Oniichan, I don't like being with him anymore. He scares me Onichan, I wish you were here. So you can keep me and her safe, Oniichan why can't you be here.
Dear Oniichan, she got new bruises on her eyes. She lies to everyone about them, even me. I know what goes on Oniichan, she sometimes forgets I was there. Oniichan her bruises scare me.
Dear Oniichan, she cried all day today, I can see it. She couldn't really move her body and it was so painful to look at. I don't know why she pretends to smile when I know she wants to cry so badly. I never cried when he did this to her oniichan, I don't know why. Is there something wrong with me?
Dear Oniichan, I'm getting older now. I'm turning 5 today. I don't want a birthday party anymore. Whenever we do have one bad things happen. Actually, the always happen. Maybe now that I'm older I can protect her, don't you think Oniichan?
Dear Oniichan, I was taken out early from school today, I'm 7 now. The police are here along with her. They keep asking her questions, one after another. I saw bruises on her face oniichan, red hand prints on her face and around her neck. I was a little confused Oniichan, but somehow I knew it had to do with him.
Dear Oniichan, he left us again. I wonder where he left, I will sure miss him. She is a lot happier now, but sometimes when I stay up hours past my bedtime and sit outside her door, I can hear her crying. Why does she cry Oniichan?
Dear Oniichan, I'm almost 8 now. For a long while we haven't heard from him. There's sometimes phone calls with a machine talking, she says not to answer them, but I know it's him. Like a good girl, I do what I'm told. She's never home now.
Dear Oniichan, it's been so long since we were all together. She works a lot now, and I still go to school. When I go to my friend's birthday parties sometimes I get jealous. They have both, and I don't. She is still working, I sometimes stay up to meet her when she comes home. Other times I can't, I'm just so tired. I feel so lonely, why can't you be here Oniichan?
Dear Oniichan, two years have passed now. I'm about to turn 10. He came back today, I greeted him and welcomed him home. She did too. This is the 2nd summer we have actually been together. I feel kinda happy, but I'm scared too. I'm almost gonna enter Middle School, next year. I can't wait.
Dear Oniichan, I'm 11 now. It has been peaceful for a while. She and him have argued a lot, but mostly when I'm not around. It looks like she doesn't have bruises on her face anymore, but sometimes when I peek at her when she changes, I see them on her tummy and legs. The bruises look so big, so dark. Her bruises still scare me.
Dear Oniichan, after not going to the park for so long, today we decided to go. I didn't want to, I was afraid. I felt like something really bad was going to happen. I still went anyway. He got really intoxicated, I was a little frightened. Later on that same day, night time, he got really scary. She told me to stay in the car. I didn't know what was going on. She got in, she was out of breath, she stepped on the gas pedal so hard I almost flew out of me seat. He was following us, in his silver car. She got her phone and asked me to call the police. "Down by the fairgrounds, a red car and a silver car, please hurry" He came out behind us, and hit the rear of her red car, Thump, one hit, she screamed and I sat there. Thump, second hit I hit my head on the front of the car, I got a little dizzy. Thump, third hit and we both screamed. He got out and tapped on her window, yelling for her to roll it down. She refused, he got back in and she got out of the car, yelling for help to all of the people who would drive by. She got back in and tried to step on it again. He was close behind, and hit us again. Thump, fourth hit, we spun around till the car hit the curb, the helicopter with the bright light came around, he got into his car again and drove off. We sat there and lights flashed into my eyes. I was blinded but could see figures. We got out and saw him being taken into handcuffs and inside the police car. She started to worry.
Dear Oniichan, it's been a month since that happened. I entered Middle School now. I don't know why but I felt so distant. All of the other kids so happy. I want to be just like them. It was fun though, I would sometimes get taken out of school because she had to go to something called "Court".
Dear Oniichan, it's been two years now, she is still going to court. I know what it is now, I learned it in school. I overheard her on the phone saying that if he kept pleading not guilty, they would make his sentence longer. How much longer though? It's been two years now. Whats going on? I miss a lot of school, because mum can't go to the courts and leave me here. She made me write a letter to the judge, so he can come out. The letters we got from him would pile out, each one saying the same thing. "I'm sorry".
Dear Oniichan, I'm almost 14 now, and he came out, he's with us now. A little thin, and he changed a lot.I'm so glad Oniichan, I hope life gets better for all of us. When he was away I had to take care of her. I had to be the strong one, for both of us.
Dear Oniichan, a few good months have past. He went back to his old ways. But he doesn't hit just her now, me too. Why does he hurt us Oniichan? "You stupid dumbfucks, worthless pieces of shit!" Oniichan whats happening? I thought he changed.
Dear Oniichan, I woke up late tonight, and I smelled something weird. It was a horrible smell, It made me so sick. I asked my new friends in High School what it was. They say it was something called "Meth". "Your ____ does meth?"
Dear Oniichan, I don't like going home anymore. We all constantly fight. defend her as well as I can but when he hits me it hurts so badly. Last time I had to go to the hospital, and made up an excuse about falling. Oniichan what's going on? Why does he hurt us?
Dear Oniichan, it's summer time and I'm almost 15. Her family is here, and he puts up such a front. I know he does his drugs when they're not home. I know he watches his filth when they're not home. He hits me when they're not looking. Why Oniichan, whats going on?
Dear Oniichan, I try my best not to cry when he forces me to do something. I try not to cry when he hits me, I try so hard. I'm so tired Oniichan. He mentions something about him not being my real blood, and she too. I don't know if it's true. Is it Oniichan?
Dear Oniichan, he said it again, while I gasped for breath and held my ribcage, he said it again. She was there and she didn't deny it. So it is true... Oniichan I'm so scared. What do I do now? I'm 16 now. He will change, and he is lying. We will be a family again right Oniichan? I forgive him Oniichan I forgive him.
Dear Oniichan, he hit me again. " If you don't like it then get the hell out of my house!" Oniichan, I want to run away. I want to run away so far away. "Everything in this room, this house is mine! Nothing is yours!" He is right oniichan, I need to leave this place and quick. Oniichan, I think I will go insane if I don't. "You worthless piece of shit! You can't do crap!" Oniichan, it's hard not having any kind of talent. I know I'm not smart either. He is right, he is so right.
Dear Oniichan, he explained it all to me. My past, his past, her past. Not much he knew about my own. He didn't know here I came from. Only she knows, he said. I want to ask her but I'm afraid. "Don't let her know you know, she will hate me" I think she already does..." Don't let her know you know, she might kill herself, she is not well" Neither are any of us..
Dear Oniichan, who do I trust when I've been hurt and lied to? The man who hurts and abuses both me and her. Or the woman who lied to me my entire life. And supposedly, hurt him and his relationship with his family too. Oniichan, I'm so tired. I'm so scared, I'm so lost. "You worthless bitch!"
Dear Oniichan, I wish you were here. Maybe then I wouldn't cry so much. When no one is looking. I try my best not to, he said only weak people do. I wish you were here oniichan.
Nightwish - Nemo...
